Pieces of the Heart, Interlude: Staff Meeting

FADE IN:

INT:

MEETING ROOM, WITH LARGE WOODEN TABLE; CHAIRS STREWN AROUND IT. A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS IS PLACED ON THE CENTER OF THE TABLE ALONG WITH A POT OF WHAT IS PROBABLY COFFEE AND AN ALARMING AMOUNT OF CUPS. THE CURTAINS ARE DRAWN TIGHTLY OVER WHAT IS PROBABLY A WINDOW. AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE IS A WHITEBOARD WITH VARIOUS COLORED MARKERS AND THE REMAINS OF A 'HANGMAN' GAME.

THE DOOR OPENS AND THE CAST OF "PIECES OF THE HEART" FILE IN, EACH ONE TAKING A SEAT. THOUGH THERE ARE PLENTY OF CHAIRS, BUFFY SITS ON ANGEL'S LAP. THE AUTHORS OF THE SERIES WANDER IN LAST, EACH WITH A YELLOW LEGAL PAD AND PENS. THE AUTHORS TAKE THEIR POSITIONS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, AND WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN A DOUGHNUT OR A CUP OF COFFEE, ETC.

SJ

Good morning, everyone.

ALL

(Various replies)

SJ

DM and I have asked you all here today to discuss our upcoming plans for the "Pieces of the Heart" series.

DM

We understand there've been some rumblings in the ranks so we thought we ought to get together and answer any questions you might have.

FRED

Am I going to have any more to do in the series?

DM

Probably not, SJ and I don't really like you despite what Mr. Whedon and Mr. Greenwalt say about you being an integral part of the series.

WESLEY

I say, that's harsh.

FRED

So, I can leave and get back to work on my new invention?

SJ

Well...this is a brainstorming session so you should stick around. You might have some ideas.

FRED

If I come up with some, can I be in the next story?

DM:

We'll think about it, Fred. Now, as all of you are aware, we're reaching the conclusion of the "Pieces of the Heart" series. Quite frankly, we thought you ought to be given the opportunity to offer suggestions as to what you think should happen next.

CORDY

You mean, you've hit writer's block.

SJ

We didn't say that.

WESLEY

You could do what the writers of "Angel" do when they hit a writer's block and bring out another prophecy.

DM

Not a bad idea, but a little hackneyed, Wes.

CORDY

How do you think we feel?

BUFFY

I have a question.

SJ

Shoot.

BUFFY

Is this story going to have a happy ending?

DM

Happy as in how? You get to come back home.

BUFFY

Yeah, but...this is a fan story, right?

XANDER

(to ANYA)

Here we go.

SJ

(apprehensive)

Yes....

DM

Why?

BUFFY

Can we do something about the curse?

SPIKE

Of all the bleeding --

ANGEL

That's so thoughtful.

BUFFY AND ANGEL

/KISS/

DARLA

I'm gonna be sick.

KATE

There's a curse?

CORDY

Where have you been? Angel, didn't you tell her about the curse?

ANGEL

Never came up.

CORDY

Obviously. I said you were a eunuch.

ANGEL

I'm not a eunuch!

GUNN

Hey, Cor, give her a break. She's not exactly a regular. Short story: Angel has sex, he loses his soul.

DARLA:

That's not exactly true, is it, lover?

BUFFY

What do you mean? What does she mean?

DM

I think we're getting off track, here.

DRUSILLA

Daddy and Grandmummy had sex. The stars told me how naughty they'd been together. And they didn't even invite me.

BUFFY

You had sex? With Darla?

SPIKE

I'd be happy to help you get back at him, pet.

BUFFY

Shut up, Spike. I'd never do that with you.

SPIKE

Right. Not all night long in a condemned building, either. Really brought down the house, don't you think?

ANGEL

Buffy, what's he talking about?

BUFFY

Nothing, Angel, I swear.

XANDER

You had sex with Spike? Can I go on the record with a big "EWW"?

SPIKE

She liked it.

BUFFY

I did not!

SPIKE

Oh, sure, spare your honey the sordid details. You liked it.

ANGEL

Spike you know, you're not a character on my series and I have no qualms with dusting you.

DM

Angel, sorry, we need him.

ANGEL

For what?

TARA

You know, I've asked that exact question over and over. B-but no one gives me an answer.

ANYA

The fans like him.

WILLOW

DM likes him.

SPIKE

So does SJ.

ANGEL

(hurt)

I thought I was your favorite.

SJ

You are, Angel. It's just, well, Spike has terrific lines. And evil's fun to write.

DM

Amen.

BUFFY

Can we get back on track here?

DARLA

Yeah. I'd like to know if you're going to bring up the baby.

ANGEL

Baby? What baby?

XANDER

"What baby"?

BUFFY

He doesn't watch TV at all, Xander. Not even his own series.

SPIKE

How do you think the great poof didn't know about me shagging the Slayer?

SJ

Spike.

DARLA

Our baby, darling.

ANGEL

We're having a baby?

CORDY

A little boy.

ANGEL

A boy? I'm going to have a son?

DM

Yeah, they had to be all macho and give you a son.

SJ

Scully, too. What, can't anyone have a daughter?

ANGEL

I'm going to be a daddy?

SJ

(continuing)

No, have to be boys, because everyone knows that if it's a miracle baby, it has to be a boy.

DM

Look at the producers of both shows: Men.

ANGEL

I get to have a son?

BUFFY

(over it)

With Darla.

ANGEL

Yeah, but...a son!

DARLA

Hey, cheerleader, I don't survive the kid's birth. In fact, since I don't, can I go?

DM, SJ, FRED

No.

DARLA

(whines)

I don't care about the cheerleader. Why do I have to stay?

FRED

If I have to, you have to.

ANGEL

I'm gonna be a father!

ALL

SHUT UP, ANGEL!

SJ

This is why I hate this season of "Angel".

DM

Yeah, he's lost his balls.

SJ

And his brains.

DM

He had brains?

SJ

Well, he was certainly more of a predator than he is now.

ANGEL

I'm sitting right here.

DM

Right. Anyway, who's going across dimensions to bring Buffy back?

DAWN

Can't we all go?

SJ

No. Do you have any idea how much that would cost?

GILES

You're doing this for free.

DM

Damn, he would bring that up.

SJ

We could quit this and work on our original stories.

LINDSEY

Not a good idea.

DM

Why?

LILAH

Contractually, you have an obligation to finish this series even if you aren't getting paid for it. The readers expect to see the series completed.

DM

I hate lawyers.

SJ

Even Lindsey?

DM

Shut up.

LINDSEY

(to Lilah)

She likes me.

LILAH

She likes Spike, too. Color me unimpressed.

ANGEL

I'm going after Buffy.

BUFFY

That's so sweet!

(Kisses him)

SPIKE

Me, too.

(A beat)

What? I'm not letting that wanker get all the glory.

DAWN

I wanna go.

BUFFY

Too dangerous.

DAWN

You never let me have any fun.

DRUSILLA

You can have tea with me, little one.

DAWN

Uh...thanks. I think.

WILLOW

I'll go. Angel and Spike will spend the whole trip arguing if there isn't someone to referee.

GUNN

You might need back up in that. I'll go too.

DM

Anyone else? Cordy? Wes? Giles?

CORDY

Do I get to be a princess again?

SJ

Doubtful.

CORDY

Home team it is.

GILES

I feel like I should go; since you brought me all the way back from England.

DM

Good point.

GILES

Besides, I've had nothing to do in this series yet. It's all Spike, Angel and Dawn.

SJ

DM has a whole novella for you, Giles. You even get sex with a woman.

GILES

Really? Oh, good show, DM.

DM

No prob. Anyone else?

GILES

(to Angel)

I'll probably get more sex than you will.

ANGEL

Grrrr....

XANDER

Ixnay on the teasing the ampirevay, G-man.

BUFFY

About that curse?

DM

She's awfully single-minded, isn't she?

ALL

YES!

BUFFY

Hey! This isn't just about me; it's about Angel, too!

SJ

I'd love to help you there, Buffy, but I don't really see it happening. We are trying to play by Mr. Whedon's rules, here. There isn't any apocalypse, or the End of Days. Sorry.

SPIKE

(to Angel)

Are you sure she likes you, mate?

BUFFY

How about a pissed-off Slayer and her irritated vampire lover?

SJ

Spike?

ANGEL

(going game face)

Grrrr....

DM

Stop teasing the vampire, SJ.

ANYA

It's sort of like playing with cats. Until they slap you, it's fun.

DM

Okay. So we know who's going and who's staying behind. Besides loop-holing Angel's curse, anybody have anything else they want to have happen?

CORDY

I could use a manicure.

SJ

It's not in the budget. Sorry.

CORDY

What kind of business are you running here?

DM

Not. For. Profit. Didn't you read the disclaimer?

SPIKE

Do I getta have sex with anyone?

WILLOW

There's the Bot.

SPIKE

Not funny, Red. On the telly, I get to shag the Slayer.

BUFFY

A.U., Spike. Both DM and SJ think you and I together is too creepy for words.

ANGEL

(to Spike)

See? I am the favorite.

SPIKE

I think I bloody hate them both.

LILAH

Tell someone who cares. Do I get any more parts in this series?

DM

Maybe.

LILAH

Well, that's conclusive.

WESLEY

She could have sex with Spike. I'm sure they're a match made in hell.

SJ

There's a thought.

LILAH

I don't do vampires.

DM

Angel? On Wesley's desk?

LILAH

You knew about that?

FRED

Everyone knows about that.

BUFFY

(to Angel)

On Wesley's desk?

ANGEL

Some old man switched bodies with me. Like Faith did to you. I promise it wasn't me.

DM

Are we done here?

SJ

Yeah.

DM

Okay, people. Thank you for coming and we'll note your suggestions. Well, maybe not the one about Angel's curse, but the others.

BUFFY

Spoilsports.

SPIKE

I don't have a curse, love.

ANGEL

You won't need one by the time I'm through with you.

SJ

Take it outside, boys, please. Not in the workplace.

THE CAST SHUFFLES OUT OF THE DOOR, MUMBLING ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING ROLES IN THE SERIES. THE AUTHORS LOOK AT THE REMAINS OF THE COFFEE AND DOUGHNUTS GLANCE OVER THEIR NOTES (WHICH CONSIST OF THE WORDS, "Can we figure a way to put Angel in chains?" AND "Spike in leather, yum!") AND LEAVE THE ROOM, TURING OUT THE LIGHTS AS THEY EXIT.

DM

(voice over)

Who's gonna get the mess?

SJ

(voice over)

Janitor.

DM

(voice over)

Are we paying for a janitor?

SJ

(voice over)

Shh.

FADE OUT.